Bipolarwanderings

I’ve come to garner a deeper reflection on why I like the blog title: “Bipolar Wanderings.” I’ve questioned over the past week or so:

Does this title portray mania in a romanticized light? The idea that those of us who have Bipolar I or II really go on a special journey that allows us to ‘wander’ down roads that others without this diagnosis aren’t privy to? Is wandering in the psyche’s of our minds beneficial to us or a detriment?

I had a therapist recently tell me that I very much appeared to be on the hamster wheel of self-hatred, since I had started at a group therapy program back in August. Since going there, I would guess I had bawled (yes, actually, BAWLED) 7-8 times over the amount of hatred I had for myself. Well, when I started going down the same rabbit hole last Thursday, he brought this up.

“Brianna,” he said. “It seems to me that you have been on a hamster wheel. I don’t know how long, but it seems that no matter how many people, like your parents, your siblings, me, your other therapist…no matter how many people validate for you that you are a good person, you are still going to find reasons to argue that. The self-acceptance and self-love needs to come from within. And it is only your choice to decide when that will happen.”

Hearing that shifted something within me. Since 2016, when I had my first psychotic break, I have been ‘wandering’ in the depths of my psyche and judging myself so harshly for what I have found. Instead of holding grace for the wounded inner child, the lonely narcissist and the angry empath, I have been judging every automatic thought that ran through my mind with anger, judgment, and contempt. I couldn’t forgive myself and hold space with curiosity and love, like everyone around me has been challenging me to do for years now. It was time to change.

I want to give my own perspective on what I mean by “bipolar wanderings”, when I made this blog in 2021.

First, I believe that most people listen to their thoughts to tell them who they are. (Please, give me your opinions on this in the comments, if you wish!!).

These thoughts will tell someone they are a “good” person if they give back through community service, they are “justified” in responding with anger towards to someone who spoke to them with malice, and they are “righteous” in hating people who have different opinions than them.

These thoughts run a person’s life. They, quite literally, cannot see beyond the thoughts that are inevitably the blinders one wears if they have not been challenged to think differently.

When I say bipolar wandering, what I really mean is I have been challenged – not to “think” differently – but to GO BEYOND my thoughts. Not to hold “different” thoughts, but hold the space that there is SPACE between thoughts. To hold silence for another person while they share, to hold serenity on a beautiful drive within the desert and mountains, to wake up or fall asleep with a completely blank mind. To allow my soul to quietly be witnessed as it ever so gently comes into beingness. To allow it to speak, with unconditional love, acceptance, and courage. To give it the space to exist.

I believe the only way I have gotten to a space of “space” between the thoughts has been through much suffering, when I “wandered” from thought-to-thought for years and years.

Thoughts that said:

“I am worthless.” “I am better than everyone.” “I deserve to be dead.” “I fucking hate people.” “I am so angry.” “I hate this life.” “I’m over my life.” “I can’t handle people…” and the very big one: “I hate God.”

For years I avoided these thoughts. For years I ran from the anger, the vengeful nature, the lack of compassion and total judgment of others, the insecurities and the rage I had towards God.

I was so scared to let these thoughts surface, the ones that created so much irritation in my body, my mind and my heart. And when they began to surface, through the training and therapy I had for years, I began to tell myself something different.

I began to tell myself it was okay to sit with these thoughts. To face them without judgment or fear. To allow the tears of anger and grief at the state of the world to fall, to slide down my cheeks. To sit with the sadness at knowing that life is permeable. That we cannot hold onto people- loved ones, passing strangers’ smiles or special events. The only thing that is constant is God. And so I held onto this awareness as I began to practice letting the egoic thoughts rise and fall away, practicing courage as the feelings arose and fell. And I began to experience a sense of awareness underneath the anger.

I began to feel peace between the thoughts. I began to feel courage underneath the insecurities. And I began to feel compassion towards myself, others, and the planet. I slowed my ‘wandering’ and began to sit, still, while the ‘wandering’ around me continued. I began to watch the wandering mind without following it down every rabbit hole.

And I began to feel loved by God. Something I haven’t felt in forever (years, at least). I challenge you to let go of the bipolar wanderings. I challenge you to sit with the stillness that is the awareness behind the thoughts, emotions, and bodily sensations. To allow it to arise and then fall away, with the undying awareness that these thoughts are safe with you – that they will never “be” you – you only thought they were you, at one time before you KNEW.