Bipolarwanderings

It sounds so ethereal, and from one’s perspective it could be.

I was sitting at a campsite in the Grand Canyon, reading Eckhart Tolle quotes. Being someone who has suppressed MUCH negativity because of the fear of being ‘bad’, at this point in my life I was depressed, borderline suicidal, and had much social anxiety. Anyways, I was reading Eckhart Tolle quotes, sitting at the burnt out bonfire from last night, and one came across my mind and stuck.

“Make friends with the present moment,” Tolle said. And so I tried. I looked up, and felt a breeze wash over my face, grounding myself in the present moment. Almost instantaneously, negativity washed over me, again. But this time, because I was present, I just let it wash over me. I didn’t try to suppress or deny the thoughts, which were paradoxically (paradoxically, because I absolutely adore my sisters) “I hate my sisters.”

This thought, washing over me, had led me to SO much social anxiety, negativity, and depression. I was SO ashamed to even THINK this thought, I had buried it deeply in my unconscious. But finally, finally, FINALLY, when I let it come through my conscious awareness, I was able to let it go. I haven’t had that thought since, and my relationship with my sisters has gotten even stronger since I was able to let the negativity move through me and out, rather than suppress it down into my psyche.

And finally, after years and years and YEARS of therapy and self-help, I have been able to conclude that indeed, yes, we are ALL unconditional love, and anything that doesn’t serve us, jealousy, anger, self-hatred, rage, depression, anxiety, it can be surrendered in good faith to the unconditional love that we are.

Sound ethereal? Maybe, but it’s also the most liberating experience to know that you are more than your thoughts. You are the awareness BEHIND your thoughts.

Thank you, Eckhart Tolle, for being the bridge to my soul. Namaste.