Bipolarwanderings

it’s life. I know that. but it’s my life, so it feels insurmountably larger, and so hard to let go of.

my monkey mind says I’ll never be happy, after a full three months of manic psychosis. my mind, is the issue. God loves me, unconditionally. My family has been my rock and my support system.

letting go of anger, letting go of resentment, letting go of fear, remembering that I am love. Love. Love. Love.

What happened? How did my mind unravel to the point where I was institutionalized four times this summer, unable to get my bearings on my sanity.

When my mind started to slip, I did a good job of hiding it. Over the last 9 years since 2016, I have always done a good job of hiding my hypomania. I think it’s a combination of arrogance and shame, but I never feel safe to share that I feel “off”. So no one usually notices until it’s too late, and I’m in full blown manic psychosis.

This time around I was more outspoken, more outgoing, more confident, but everyone thought it was just because I was doing well. We were at my sister’s graduation, and I was in hypomania by this time. I remember telling my sister that if I had my favorite nails they would say “fuck” and “this” on enormous tips. One week later, I was hospitalized. This led to a series of hospitalizations over three months. It’s nauseating. I look back on my experience with so much regret, shame, and guilt.

My mom and I surmise that we – with my psychiatrist’s support, just went too low on my anti-psychotics. I know it’s not “my fault” but it feels like my fault. I feel so helpless and scared it’s going to happen for the rest of my life. I know that’s where faith comes in, that my sanity will be restored as I learn each lesson as I cycle each time.

What lessons did I learn this past summer?

I learned to trust your support system. I have trusted my mom over the past month since getting home more than I ever have, and she has led me out of the dark so many times over the past four weeks. I’m so grateful.

I’ve learned that medicine is something I will always take. No matter what, I will always be medicated. My brain chemistry was severely altered when I did magic mushrooms in Amsterdam in 2016, and no amount of prayer will change that. Western medicine helps. Thank you, beautiful doctors, for healing me.

And I’ve learned that I need to – find a spiritual community that supports my goals as a spiritual being having a human experience, move my body, give give give give, give of my time, my little resources, and my Love. Jesus taught to give is to receive. The 12 Steps teach it. That is what I wish to do with my time.

Finally, I’m happy to share that I’m in a PHP program that takes up most of my time right now – I haven’t done anything to give since getting out of the hospital a month ago. And that was putting on my own face mask first. My own face mask is securely tightened now. I’m ready to give. ❤