Bipolarwanderings

Sometimes I question my sanity. And it’s not when I’m about to go cliff diving, bungee jumping, or any of the above. (Although I would question my sanity then, too!)

When I question my sanity, I’m usually doing something fun, something exciting, something that makes me feel alive.

This morning I woke up at 5:15 to use the bathroom, and couldn’t go back to sleep. I thought I should lie in bed until my alarm went off an hour later, but at the last minute I decided to do a 5:45 am cycle class.

WILD.

But it was exhilarating. I didn’t push myself like I usually do in spin class, but my heart rate was still up to 157-159 BPM.

And now I’m sitting here reflecting, and I’ve had a super productive day.

I cleaned, made some calls, juiced, showered, and now I’m all cozied up at the library typing this up.

To those who have neurodivergence, you may understand a little better…when you feel good, do you question it?

For me, I have spent the last two hours finding every reason in the book to “NOT” be happy…I’m finding every reason to be irritable, grumpy, sad, lonely, depressed, anxious, manic, psychotic…I mean come on, insert negative emotion here, and my psyche is TRYING to feel it.

Because, at the end of the day, my brain wants me to be depressed.

My brain wants me to live a negative life because then it has something to DO, fix problems, ruminate on problems, marinate in worldly suffering. Without suffering, my brain would be at peace, and up until now, it’s been running on overdrive without a running coach.

I am about to be my own damn running coach.

I should call it a “halting” coach, because for the last few days I’ve been awarding my mind when it comes to a total and utter HALT. Talk about positive psychology. Any time my mind slows enough for me to hear the fountain next to me, feel my butt in the chair, or taste the iced tea I’m drinking, I award my brain with, “good job.”

I quite literally think to myself, and tell my brain when it’s doing a good job. I am COACHING my brain to behave!

And what do I do with all of the negative bull shit?

I ignore it, totally and completely. I quite literally ‘watch’ my mind misbehave. Kind of like if you have a child that’s throwing a tantrum about going to bed on time. What can you do? You can engage, fight with them, speak your mind and pray they listen, or you can simply watch them throw their tantrum, with love – of course.

That’s what I’ve been doing for the last bit of time and it’s been WORKING.

Mind you; I am on hyper-alert for any changes to my mood, as I’ve been getting enough sleep, but I have more energy throughout the day…

So I’m on HYPER lookout for 1) unchecked irritability, 2) grandiosity, 3) delusional thinking, & 4) too much energy.

So, to sum it up, I’d say it’s important for all of us to question our sanity.

In fact, it’s something I question every day.

1. Is my mood in check? Check.
2. How are my energy levels? Okay.
3. What are my conversations like? Good, no one seems to be noticing anything abnormal.

Sometimes the best parameters are the loved ones around you, when you trust them, they can help guide you forward.

Happy Holidays. ¨̮