Bipolarwanderings

Well, I know from my own experience that bipolar is NOT a series of manic episodes, one after the other and lots of crazy, exciting roller coaster rides

Bipolar IS a series of manic episodes, one after the other,,, and endless fear, anxiety, depression, stress, anger, guilt, mistrust that follows

there are so many things I could type into this blog post but none would do bipolar justice

Bipolar mania is a monster in waiting, a demon in hiding, a jester dancing mischievously in the closet, trusting you to (finally) find your balance and then ungrounding you at the last minute and gripping you in its talons for weeks on end

and yet, something in you MUST have said yes (right?) to the manic ride because it feels so so SO much better than the mounds of social anxiety, pain, depression, you say yes (subconsciously that is, I don’t believe it’s a conscious decision) to what feels like living because it’s all you’ve known these past years

how can we say yes to something that is so tumultuous? says the general pop, how can you say yes to something so destructive?

Subconscious thoughts permeate my mind as I search for the answers to this question.

How can I say yes to something so delusional and psychotic? so escaped from reality even my Self can’t understand it just yet. I just want to go home, I think, and mania feels like home to me…hold up, don’t judge just yet. what I mean by that is

Manic behavior feels like a place I can exist freely from depression, away from anxiety, it doesn’t mean I want to drink, drug, or spend money – it just gives me a free place to exist, away from my demons

The goal, obviously, reminds rational me, is to find a safe space in my psyche that is free of these demons…and ALSO free of the manic monster…but I have not found that yet…

…and so the search continues, while the yearn to be free in fearless freedom tugs at my mind, the monster seductively swaying in its delusion and threatening to grip me with its one-hooked talon

can I live freely without mania? where is my freedom? do depression and anxiety just slowly disappear over time, or am I stuck with it forever? am I victim or am I captain of my ship?

Disclaimer: Manic-depression, Bipolar disorder, BPD (whatever you want to call it) is known by the Western paradigm to be a disease of the mind, it holds beliefs that we are victims of this disease and should be medicated our entire lives to control the swings in mood. It follows the disease model.

From my perspective, I believe I am (and people on my team agree) getting into the driver’s seat with my manic tendencies, keeping a journal and witnessing when my mood starts to slip (up OR down). I believe that I can be in charge of my mind (INCLUDING my anxieties, fears, and depression), through compassionate witnessing of the thoughts and emotions, with non-judgment. This being said, this practice is not perfect, and I have a long way to go. In essence, I am starting to realize that I am not a victim of my own “disease” as Western medicine calls it.